Marco's Complete Guide to Getting Left on Read

I have been left on read forty-seven times. I know because I counted, which is either very analytical or very concerning depending on how you look at it.

Through extensive research — which is to say, a sustained period of personal suffering — I have developed what I believe to be a complete guide to making it happen to you too.

The Guaranteed Methods

Send a message at 11pm. Not a question. Not an opener. Just an observation. Something like: "pineapple on pizza is actually fine." No question mark. No follow-up. Just leave them with that.

They will read it. They will put their phone down. They will not respond. You have given them nothing to respond to and yet somehow everything to think about.

Follow up the next day with something worse. Double down on the pineapple. Explain your reasoning. Nobody asked for your reasoning. You are now in a hole and you have brought a shovel.

After four days, send "hey." Lowercase. No punctuation. This communicates that you have given up but also haven't, which is the worst of all possible emotional positions. It reads like someone waving from very far away and not being sure if the other person can see them.

What's Actually Happening

Here's what I've actually learned, which took longer than it should have:

Being left on read says almost nothing about you and almost everything about timing and inertia.

People read a message, think "I'll reply properly when I have a moment," and then life happens and the moment never comes and three weeks later it's too awkward to respond and now the message just sits there, read, in the archive of good intentions.

This happens constantly. To everyone. Including people who are genuinely interested in you.

The Actual Fix

Stop writing messages that require a perfect response.

The pineapple message requires the other person to either agree, disagree, or explain their entire philosophy on pizza. That's a lot. At 11pm. From someone they barely know.

Ask something simple instead. Make it easy to say yes or no. Give them something small to respond to rather than something large to consider.

And if they still don't respond — move on. Not because something is wrong with you, but because timing is real and not everyone is available in the same moment you are.

Dating is mostly just two people trying not to seem too interested while being extremely interested. It's exhausting and slightly absurd and I remain, despite all evidence, an optimist about it.

You'll figure it out. I'm getting there.

The pineapple thing, though. I stand by that.